Much to be thankful for

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours as well.

Just waiting for the keys

 

Parenting makes me glad I went to Bible College.

Our normal bedtime routine is fairly predictable around here -- we send the kids into the bedroom, I follow a couple of minutes later. I often ask the kids if either of them wants to pray, they usually both say no; I pray, give each of them about 15 seconds worth of goodnightiloveyousleepwells, and walk out. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 minutes total.

Not so tonight.

I was in the process of saying the final goodnight to Ezra when he tells me he has a question. Not too much of a deviation from normal so far, he often comes out with questions like "How do you spell doozleboozlewoozlefoozlegungungungbaguk?" in an attempt to forestall the inevitable. This one was a little different, though: "Daddy, the Bible says that people who love God, obey God. I love God, but sometimes it's really hard to be obedient and I don't always obey Him. How can that be?"

Wow. I shifted gears and answered him as best as I could -- habits, trends, a lifestyle of obedience -- but he wasn't done.

"We're supposed to listen to God, but I never hear Him. I know that the Bible is, like, God's word, but it was written like two thousand years ago. How do we know He still thinks that?"

Wow again -- immutability, omniscience, inspiration, then on to conscience, listening prayer, and the voice of God -- mind racing, trying to answer the questions accurately myself, organize and prioritize my answers, and translate them into the language of a 5 year old.

"We need to read the Bible more. I don't know very many of the stories in it."

Whoaaa. The hand of God, prompting that which I want more than anything else for my kids but have no power whatsoever to force.

++Thank You. ++

Saturday as it ought to be

Had a fun day out with the family today. We headed down to the Trillium Festival at Tryon Creek State Park to see what there was to see.


The kids got their faces painted and enjoyed the nature walk we took, guided by two naturopaths who pointed out the various edible and medicinally potent plants alongside the trail as we walked. (Did you know that stinging nettles are good in soup?) They also enjoyed the locally grown honey we bought -- gotta love the good dark stuff.

Once we left there we headed back north and decided to finally try out the Portland Aerial Tram, which we've been wanting to do ever since it opened.


Definitely a fun little trip -- very cool cars with great visibility even on a rainy day like today. It's no trip to the Alps but it's definitely got that great Euro feel with awesome geek appeal to boot.


This crane is down at the bottom of the tram in the South Waterfront area -- it kinda made me think of Mike Mulligan's steam shovel.

The Diaper Divide

Every single one of the dads my age that I know are involved at least occasionally in changing their kids' diapers. Some of the families have very predictable divisions of labor as far as diaper duty goes, others (like ours) base it more on who's less occupied at the present moment -- with a bent towards my changing them when I can since I'm gone for much of the day and Mel is stuck with the job.

But a few months ago we started realizing that most dads of our parents' generation were never involved in diaper changes -- and as I've started asking the question to more and more people, the tide change has become clear:

• Baby boomer dads -- even the very best of them -- did not. do. diapers.


• Gen X / Y / Millenial dads -- all but the very worst of them -- assume diaper duty to be a normal part of fathering.

There are exceptions to these rules, but from what I've seen so far they are few and very far between. There has been a monumental shift in the way men look at the job of diapering (read: their job versus their wife's job) that seems to span economic backgrounds, national regions, parenting styles, everything but age.

I'm quite curious how this shift took place with very little modeling and very little controversy -- it seems to have just happened. Any thoughts? If nothing else, give me the poll feedback below so I can see if it's as widespread as I think.




Update: I found a better poll supplier (micropoll.com) whose polls display better(edit: ok, they were displaying better the first couple of times I loaded the page. Don't know why they have those gaps in them now). The votes that had already been received have been entered in already -- no need to vote again.

Bulletage

It's been a busy four months since I last hung out here, and I got to thinking this morning about how much has changed. Here's a quick rundown:

* I'm not in school anymore.
* Ezra can ride his bike without training wheels.
* I'm comfortable with the 'pacifist' label.
* The Vanagon is running again, the Subaru isn't, and I have a Honda Elite scooter to ride to work.
* My kids have experienced a plane trip.
* I am increasingly coming to believe that Barack Obama is the best choice out there.
* I no longer expect to get my pilot's license anytime soon -- or ever.
* I know the basics of how to set up a website using Drupal.

That looks like a smaller list than it did in my mind... and of course there's lots more. Some of the above, however, are much bigger in real life than on paper -- the school item in particular. Amazing how different your life feels when you remove 35 hours a week plus homework.

Down with the sickness

Yes indeed-y, sickness has been the story of our household since Thanksgiving. Asher got croup that night (non-parents click here for the answer to your question) and we have been plugging along in survival mode ever since. Mel has gotten very little sleep and I'm exhausted too... we have had lots of trips outside into the cold night air, steam sessions in the bathtub, etc etc etc. Asher is definitely doing better now but the other kids now have colds (Ezra's was bordering on croup two nights ago) and Mel is fighting it too.

Alright, I'm done complaining.

OPB's response

Sorry this took so long -- definitely not OPB's fault, as they responded to my request for posting permission the very next day, and we have since exchanged yet one more email apiece. Overall my impression of OPB's customer service is very favorable. My impression of their judgment is a bit lower.

Essentially the issue is this: is the entire range of physical discipline worse for a child than the entire range of verbal discipline? My answer is a solid NO -- it is much healthier for a child to receive kind, loving physical discipline than it is for him or her to be yelled at in anger.

The other assumption being made is that parents are incapable of restraining themselves and searching out good communicative ways to let their kids know that they have crossed the line. And that, frankly, is amazing to me. When our expectations of ourselves are so low, it's no wonder that we don't expect more out of our kids.

Having said all that in response, I am still totally impressed that I got such a thoughtful response from the good folks at OPB. Although we disagree thoroughly on this issue, I love knowing that they are open to a little friendly debate on things like this. And I'm proud to now be a member.

Without further ado, here's the rest of my OPB correspondence (all last week):

Dear Jed,

Thank you for contacting Oregon Public Broadcasting. I'm happy to listen to and respond to your complaint about "This American Life," whether or not you're a member, and *even* if you hadn't promised to join during the fall drive.

I didn't hear the show this week, but I listened to the last segment just now so I could properly reply. Some thoughts (speaking as the parent of two wonderful grown children who I occasionally got very angry at - sometimes very deserved, other times not so much):

-- The theme of the show was about how adults talk to kids, and so the piece about yelling has to be seen in the larger context. (As a long-time fan of TAL, you certainly understand that the show is often greater than the sum of its parts. The context the show creates from smaller pieces is one of its special virtues). I haven't heard the other segments, but they took a very different angle (comedians at summer camp; talking to kids about sex).

-- One of Savage's main points was that removal of physical punishment as an accepted parenting tool is a good thing, but that when you REALLY NEED to get a child's attention, your primary tool is words, and he feels the most powerful words and voices need to be used. There are times when children can go way over any appropriate line, and that has to be conveyed in some strong and attention-grabbing way. To me, the Alec Baldwin tape was over the line more because of the abusive nature of the words and language he used than the level of his anger.

-Kids and parents are not all alike, and even the most loving, well-meaning, non-abusive and effective parents will draw lines in different places and in different ways. Some parents have a base level of everyday expression much higher than others, and when they have to seriously escalate their language it will necessarily have to go to a higher level.

-While you're right that there was no twist at the end of the piece, I do think Savage was trying to be deliberately provocative, and to make listeners think about how they used anger with their children. He seems to have succeeded in at least a couple of cases.

-Though I wasn't there Sunday, I was told by a staff member here that Ira Glass raised this very issue when he spoke in Portland, and asked how many in the audience thought that the piece went too far. Very few, if any, people raised their hands.

All that said, like you, I don't agree with all of what Savage said. Other things being equal, though, I'd always rather listen to someone who I don't agree with - how else do we ever learn anything?

I do especially appreciate your willingness to see this segment in the context of everything you value OPB and NPR for, and not to allow something you disliked so strongly to distort your sense of all that we do and offer our audience.

I do hope you'll join OPB, and I hope your children will someday as well! (We promise never to yell at any of you!)

Sincerely,
Tom
OPB Member Center

Hi Tom,

Wow! I wasn't really expecting to get a response at all, let alone such a thoughtful one. Thank you for the time you took both to listen to the piece (I wish I had a job where listening to TAL was part of the job description! :-) ) and to respond to me. I appreciate it both on a corporate level (obviously OPB has made this a priority) and on a personal level (obviously you are a person who strives to both understand and communicate).

My complaint was based not on the piece being personally objectionable, but on a sincere belief that the airing of it was harmful to the community I live in due to its encouragement of those elements of our society that see no problem in harming kids verbally. Naturally, I would have been happier to hear you respond that upon hearing the piece, you were as upset as I was and that OPB was lodging a complaint with TAL... but the depth and diplomacy of your response at least tells me that OPB pays attention to their listeners' opinions -- I feel heard.

I blogged the complaint letter I first sent; with your permission I would like to post your response as well. The blog (http://oau.blogspot.com) is small and usually quite private with a readership of 30 or so. I will hold off on posting until I hear from you.

I smiled to myself when I heard the pledge drive this afternoon; I hadn't listened since Sunday (!) and felt sheepish having talked about the pledge drive as if it was a future event -- you guys will get my call tomorrow.

Thanks again for your time,

Jed

Hi Jed,
I wasn't in the office Friday and so didn't read your e-mail until today,
but I think someone else may have replied to your request to post my reply
on your blog. That's fine, as long as you post the entire thing. I do
appreciate your asking; not everyone does that these days.

As to your point about Savage's piece sending exactly the wrong message to
people who already see no problem in verbally abusing kids: I guess I
don't think it's a simple cause and bad effect. It's our whole life
experience that makes us what we are as parents, not just a single radio
show. All the other possible influences from media and culture and our own
childhoods really overwhelm any 12 minute segment, not matter how
effective and powerful it might be. It just doesn't seem very plausible
to me that anyone would become an abuser, or increase the level of their
abuse, because of what they heard Dan say - it's too ambiguous, too filled
with ethical complexity (especially in the opening anecdote about his
teaching German). And at one point he referred to what he was advocating
as "my volume," which in and of itself is a long way from abuse,
especially when its very exceptionalism is what gives it so much of its
power.

But even if we agreed the story had this power, it's still not so
straightforward: he made a particular point of saying "because of
course you can't hit them," with which the woman he talked
emphatically agreed. So any message about yelling being okay was combined
with - in fact it was completely derived from and bound with - a message
that *any* hitting was not acceptable, even if it might have once been in
the past. Moving any physically abusive parent into the verbal-abuse-only
camp is at least *a* step in the right direction, I'd argue.

That's just a couple of complications to this particular situation. In the
larger picture there's the issue of different listeners interpreting
things in different ways, hearing only what they want to hear, finding
unintended and unimagined and non-existent meanings in things, and the
almost infinite number of messages that can potentially flow from 168
hours a week of radio programming. Filtering content to eliminate even
most conceivably harmful kinds of results can become pretty impossible
pretty quickly. Ultimately I think all the great and wonderful things that
flow from free and open intelligent expression are so much more powerfully
positive and healing than the damage - no matter how real - that comes
from those few people that abuse others smaller than themselves. I really
think almost all of the sources of that abuse lie elsewhere. (Don't you
think someone who really listened to TAL every week - including last week
- would be a more tolerant and empathetic person at the end of the year?)

None of that means that we don't take our responsibility to the community
extremely seriously. It's why we're here, and whom we serve.

Finally, can you send me your mailing address? I saw something at our open
house today I thought I'd send you.

Best,
Tom
OPB Membership Coordinator

Happy Birthday

 
A wonderfully happy birthday to my girl, you've reached the ripe old age of three but you'll always be my baby.

Newport, Oregon

We got back Friday night from our week in Newport -- what a spot! I have driven through there several times but never really spent any time. It has everything you would want from the Oregon coast: sandy beaches, rocky beaches, Mo's, sea lions and seals, tide pools, the Oregon Coast Aquarium, lighthouses, and, of course, yurts. Our yurt site was perfect, with trees for climbing and sand for digging, and the beach about a 15 minute walk away.

At the beach

We're down in Newport for the week enjoying beautiful Oregon clouds and drizzle. I had put a post together last night but lost it so this one will be short while we enjoy free wi-fi from the (closed) public library here. I was going to post a picture but... we're off in search of a bathroom...

Oregon Airshow

We coughed up the $20 a piece yesterday and went to the Oregon Airshow. Wow. I had never been to an airshow before so the chance to go and see the Blue Angels (annoying audio on their site) was quite the treat.

I have watched plenty of their stuff on TV, so it wasn't that I was unfamiliar with what they do... but seeing it live really was incredible. There was an element of playfulness that I really hadn't expected -- as they transition between maneuvers you see them circling around, one or two planes racing to catch up with the others -- it looked like a giant game of plane tag at times.

The crummy cell phone pictures make it look as though they were miles away but in person they really feel as though you could just reach out and touch them when they fly overhead. The first time one banked over the crowd literally got my heart pumping (and my ears ringing) -- the F/A-18 is quite the flying machine.

There's a feeling I'm starting to get used to, though, as my relatively new views on peace slowly infiltrate the corners of my life, and I experienced it while watching both the Angels and (more so) the A-10 Warthog they had there: Very, very cool to watch the pilots perform? Yep. Totally amazing to see such capable aircraft pushed to its limits? Absolutely. But the maneuvers we saw yesterday aren't the purpose of those birds. Plain and simple, they were designed and constructed to kill. And that's just not ok. And I don't yet know how to reconcile the enjoyment and the repulsion I experience at the same sight.

HP Question

Alright, so I've got a question for you Christian Harry Potter-reading parents out there. Yes, Greg, that means you too.

Way back in the literary prehistoric early days of the Harry Potter series there was much controversy and consternation in many Christian circles about what a horrible thing it was and how it was going to normalize the occult and how children's faith would never survive this new onslaught. But slowly along the way, those voices started getting fewer and fewer (or at least quieter) until now it seems like just about everybody I know is a Harry Potter fan.

I have always been a fence-sitter. I'm totally comfortable with the way, say, Tolkein uses wizardry, spells, and the like (although I'm not sure I can put into words what about that makes it ok for me). But in a world (and a particular part of the country) where the occult is ever-growing in popularity, how wise is it for us to trifle with these things? So for some time I have wanted to read the HP series to get a feel for it myself, but there have always been other books more interesting to me at the time, and as a result I have read less than two pages of Rowling's work. (Aside: which two pages, you ask? The last two of the last book, naturally. Next question?) Now that there is all this hype about HP7 my interest has been piqued again and I would like to get my feet wet sometime when I've got nothing else to do (ha, ha).

So finally, around to the question. Now that you have read the whole series, grasped the breadth and length and height of Potterdom, what are your thoughts on the moral and spiritual influences of HP? Particularly for you parents, what are your thoughts on your own kids reading the series when they hit that age? Any qualifications / limitations / etc? Just curious to hear some thoughts now that the final period has been put on the septilogy.

Gramma

Just a quick update on the end of things with Gramma Veta: She died quietly and peacefully with little or no pain, surrounded by her family. The kids and I were on our way up to the room when she died -- apparently we missed her by about 45 seconds or so. I have had a bit of a hard time with that, I really would have liked to have been there. But there was a crowd of family around her all telling her how much they loved her, Mel holding her hand, and I can't think of many better things to be hearing or feeling as you leave here and head for heaven.

We will miss her plenty. She was a center of the family and her house is the only place other than my own home where I have ever felt the complete freedom to walk through the front door without knocking, day or night. I'm glad Ezra is old enough to hopefully remember her a bit, I wish the other kids could too. Addie may -- who knows?

The 'funeral' will consist of a family potluck, which is the best we can do to throw a party for her as she always said she wanted once she was gone. We will sit around and eat and think of her cheesecake and hear her voice in our minds telling the story about the hobos and the description of the icehouse and the one about her dropping the sack of flour off the balcony onto his head and how they never got spanked when she was a kid. Her phrases too will ring in our ears, how she was always 'just a decrepit old lady' and 'sore as a boil' and 'just plain lazy today.'

But gathered there together as a family, no one will ask me if we've got enough groceries at home.

And I won't hear any queries as to whether we've got money to make it through the month.

And I'll know that Gramma's gone.